I grew up in Northern Minnesota, known to some as the “Iron Range”. I was born in 1979 to a single mother. My brother followed a short 14 months later. My first experience or memory of Bi-Polar was at the age of 5. I can actually remember bouts of mania and depression at that age. Astounding but true. I always knew I was different than the other kids. They didn’t understand me so I didn’t like to be real about things. I would play alot of imaginary games always pretending to be someone else, anyone but me.
Growing up we were very poor. My mother was a student and working 2 or 3 jobs. We spent a lot of time with babysitters when we lived far away but when we were close my grandparents took us in. Those times were splendid.
I remember moving away to a city called St. Cloud, MN in late 1983, I was 4 my brother we call him Joe was 3. My mom soon began dating. I can remember several different men being in her room on the weekends, not at once ofcourse.
I remember one specific we will call him Nick he was a sheriff’s deputy at Stearns County Jail at that time. He had 3 boys of his own so there was me and 4 boys(including Joe). This guy was a scary guy and I mean brutal. He would bring home pictures of blood on the walls from when they would beat up prisoners. He liked little girls too. How convenient for single mother/full-time student/full-time employee/part-time mom. Let’s just say my first sexual experience happened before my first day of school. It’s unfathomable but true. From what I can recall the abuse went on for roughly 2 years, and my mother moved back in with my grandparents(maternal) in Northern Minnesota(Grand Rapids).
I started kindergarten at the age of 5 that is the year we remained in St. Cloud. I can remember having manic and depressive episodes during that year. It’s never really been clear if that trauma is what set off my bipolar or if it was more genetic and they happened coincindentally. That’s a topic for later. I know the big question comes to mind…”Did my mother know?” Unfortunately she did. She actually walked in the first time in happened and turned around and walked out. Things looked up though. About 1/2 through my 2nd grade year we moved up north to La Prairie(a suburb of Grand Rapids, MN). There we lived with my grandparents. I never spoke of it of any of it. I was terrified of the consequence of her wrath. God only knew what she was capable of if she could walk out on her 4 year old daughter being raped and living in that house for almost 2 years with that man.
I was awkward in school. I never really quite fit in. So switching in the middle of the school year wasnt really a big deal to me. No matter where I went I was an outcast. I remember moving in the middle of winter. My mom’s sister and brother in law came to help us. My mom had left her guy finally and needed assistance from family to get out of it. I never knew what she told them but I knew what happened to me was NOT confessed. Yes starting school in a new place in the middle of year at my age was hard. I loved being with my grand parents but socially it was difficult.
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